Preaching Tool Question 1: Could any aspect of my communication be misinterpreted as empowering a perpetrator or diminishing a victim?
Understanding the issues
We know that in any assembled group there will definitely be victims and likely be abusers (past and current). We must consider our communication in light of this statistical reality. The reality of DFV has been elevated in various ways in broader society and so our listeners will have experience, exposure or increased awareness and sensitivity to these topics. We can assume, for example, when we speak of suffering (trial, challenge, test, wound, grief etc) that some of our listeners are filtering our discussion through the lens of abuse.
This tool gives you communication pitfalls to watch out for as well as suggested alternatives.
Our pastor mentioned the verse about turning the other cheek to your enemy and as a woman I shivered a little. In my experience in women's ministry, I met a woman who had been told that to be a good Christian, she needs to tolerate her husband's punches. I know that's not what my pastor meant, but I also know it's what she would have heard.
Pitfalls to watch out for
Could a perpetrator use my words to justify their behaviour? For example:
| When I talk about… | Could it be heard as… |
|---|---|
| Submission | “You have to submit to me (and my abuse)” |
| Marriage and Divorce | “You can never leave me (no matter what)” |
| Sin and Forgiveness | “Saying sorry is enough (even though my behaviour hasn’t changed)” |
| Commitment and Honour | “If you leave me you are breaching our covenant (my abuse hasn’t done that)” |
| Headship and Authority | “I’m the head of the household (so I have the right to control you)” |
| Sex within Marriage | “We shouldn’t deprive each other (so I don’t need your consent)” |
Could a victim feel silenced, minimised, or condemned by my words? For example:
| When I talk about … | Could it be heard as … |
|---|---|
| Forgiveness | “If they say sorry, I must accept (even more abuse)” |
| Family and Privacy | “This is a family matter (and I can’t tell anyone)” |
| Marriage and Commitment | “Saving my marriage is most important (more than me and my safety)” |
| Relationships and Gender | “Problems in relationships are normal (even violence and abuse)” |
| Stereotypes and Culture | “He seems like a great guy (and no one will believe me if I tell)” |
| Parents and Children | “All parents love their kids (even mine who abused me)” |
| Parents and Discipline | “Parents are responsible for correction (and my control / violence is a form of love)” |
| Sin and Conflict | “It takes two to tango (so I must have done something to deserve abuse)” |
Practical suggestions
adjust language to avoid these implications and inferences
Add disclaimers or caveats to broad statements
-e.g. “Of course there are circumstances where …”
-e.g. “Please don’t hear me saying …”
-e.g. “This is true for mutually respectful relationships …”
-e.g. “This may not be true in all experiences …”
Re-word to avoid incorrect assumptions
-e.g. Use “men and women” not just “men” when referring to people generally-
e.g. “We highly value flourishing relationships in this church, of which marriage is one significant expression.”
-e.g. “God hates divorce, but he loves divorced people.”
Further resources
HOTLINES
1800RESPECT.org.au
1300 766 491
mrs.org.au
13 11 14
Lifeline.org.au
The NSW Domestic Line provides counselling and referrals to women experiencing domestic and family violence.
Training
1) DV Alert: Domestic and Family Violence Response Training (DV-alert) is designed to build capacity in frontline workers within universal services for whom family violence is not a core function of their role. There are a variety of options to choose from including eLearning courses, face-to-face, awareness sessions, 1-day trainings, 2-day trainings, and virtual trainings.
Visit https://www.dvalert.org.au for more information
Research and Statistics
- Australian Bureau of Statistics | Partner Violence: In focus – Crime and Justice Statistics 2022
- Australian Institute of Health and Welfare | Family and Domestic Violence Data, November 2023
- Mission Australia | Domestic and family violence statistics
- Our Watch | Quick Facts
- Australia’s National Research Organisation for Women | Evidence base
- Education Centre Against Violence and NSW Health | Fact Sheets:
- Queensland University of Technology and Melbourne University | Australian Child Maltreatment Study 2023